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This year represents a full decade since the word “vanishing” hit the public consciousness. Initially, the concept that someone could suddenly stop communication with a partner without explanation seemed like the peak of rudeness. We were so innocent. In the decade since, finding a mate has only become more bewildering – an oftentimes fruitless exercise in humiliation that is increasingly pigeonholed by social media lingo.

Zoomers, a generation who came of age during a loneliness epidemic, a male identity reckoning, and a widespread attack on the rights of women and the queer community, faces a infinitely more complex environment than their Gen Y elders could ever fathom. And so their romantic glossary has grown longer and more deranged, with terms like “Ogre-ing” and “vine swinging” straining the boundaries of your mental fortitude.

What follows is a comprehensive guide to the terms Zoomers is using to navigate romance, intimacy and the pursuit of both. To paraphrase one of the year’s most popular online sayings, by the end of this list you’ll long to get back to God’s country – because where that is, it doesn’t have “wokefishing”.

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The Letter A

Realness – According to Zoomers, romance's ultimate goal is showing up as your true, unvarnished self. You'll need it with that!

B

Bird theory – A TikTok trend inspired by a methodology developed by relationship scientists, in which you mention something insignificant – for example, “A bird flew by earlier” – and observe whether your partner’s reaction is interested or disinterested. If they do not want to hear more about the bird, you two are not compatible.

Mysterious girlfriend – Zoomers' answer to the “quirky fantasy girl” archetype of the early 2000s – but instead of having short fringe, liking indie music and avoiding commitment, the black cat girlfriend focuses on her own needs while exuding mystery and self-sufficiency. (She may yet have baby bangs.)

The Letter C

Seat theory – This refers to seeking out someone who helps you without being asked. If you entered a room, they would pull up a chair for you to sit down.

Errand romance – A meet-up where two people connect while handling tasks, such as walking the dog or grocery shopping. In other words, how cash-strapped young adults do budget-friendly romance in a post-“$5 beer and shot combo” world.

Crashing out – Having a breakdown when you feel swamped by life. You can crash out over a infatuation or split, venting all of your (unrequited) feelings.

D

Dink – Double income, no kids. Once a symbol of 1980s young urban professional excess, it refers to pairs who opt out of parenthood to prioritize their own well-being. Or because they cannot afford to become parents.

E

Open communication – The opposite of being guarded: embracing communication, transparency and vulnerability.

F

Flags

• Warning signs – Behavioral habits suggesting a potential partner is bad news. Such as calling their exes crazy, poor tipping habits, a love of Woody Allen films, a new DJ career …
• Good indicators – These traits confirm your choice to pursue a partner. For instance checking in to make sure you got home safely after a date, minimal screen time, having a proper bed …
• Odd but harmless traits – These usually describe niche, mostly inoffensive idiosyncrasies. Examples include being an keen birdwatcher, still carrying around a pen in their purse, paying rent in cash …

Freak matching – When you meet someone who’s just as passionate about documentaries about the WWII or physical media hoarding or art or whatever it may be, as you. Or, conversely, meeting someone who loathes the same stuff or individuals that you do (few things fosters intimacy faster than having a common enemy).

The Letter G

The band Geese – A musical group a typical Zoomer guy listens to.

Zombie-ing – Someone who resurfaces into your life after a period of disappearing.

Loyal boyfriend – Someone who is friendly, eager to please and loyal. The rare partner who is liked by all of his partner’s friends, and a mysterious partner's foil.

Gooners – A primarily online community of men so obsessed with self-pleasure that they attempt marathon sessions, purposefully postponing climax so they can go on as long as possible.

The Letter H

Pessimistic straight dating – A trend describing many women's increasing cynicism toward straight relationships. It will come as no surprise to anyone who read the above entry.

High-value woman – An ideal championed by manosphere figures: a woman who is attractive, ever-comforting and contentedly domestic, who apparently has no ambitions of her own other than satisfying her man partner. Maybe now you’re beginning to understand the whole “heterofatalism” thing better?

The Letter I

Ick factors – Arbitrary and often mundane repulsions that immediately kill any sense of attraction.

“If he wanted to, he would" – Something to tell yourself after you watch someone else receive an extremely romantic display.

The Letter J

Professions – These have not been this crucial in the dating scene since the greed-is-good era. For some women, a “banker” is the ideal partner: a preppy, conservative-leaning guy who will be a provider (there’s a hit TikTok audio on the topic). Meanwhile the left-leaning crowd prefer partners in sectors they see as being staffed by the more caring among us: nurses, educators or therapists.

The Letter K

Locking lips – This year, researchers learned that kissing has existed for 16 million years. But the era of locking lips may be waning since some Zoomers want fewer sex scenes in movies, as they are having less sex themselves and do not find onscreen intimacy authentic.

Light catfishing – Slight exaggeration. Or, not exactly being dishonest about who you are, but maybe using outdated (better) photos of yourself on a dating app profile, or making your job sound more important than it is. Also known as {